Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Days of confusion...

Somedays I just don't have a clue where this relationship is going. It seems like if I push to get things going where I want them, she gets mad about it. If I lay back to see how things are going to go, she reverts back to her old habits.

Saturday I wanted to play, but she wasn't in the mood. Sunday her period started. So another week of nothing after the last few weeks of hardly anything. I'm a patient man, but damn it! I don't know if she is really interested in trying things I want, or if she is just going through the motions to try to keep me just satisfied enough to not want to break up. She seems to be going backward very gradually, like she's doing it subtly in the hopes I won't notice. I notice everything. She seems to want to do less and less each time. I'm not going anywhere, but my needs aren't getting met. I don't want to go outside of my marriage for what I need, but I can only be so patient. The last ten years took all of my patience. There isn't much left.

I don't know what to do. I can lead, but I can't force her to follow. If she's not interested in really submitting to me, there is nothing I can do, or would want to do, to force her. I guess I'm just at a tough spot right now with no clear path at this time. I'm going to keep trying to make this work, but your guess is as good as mine as to where we are going from here.



  1. I know for myself when I get really wrapped up in taking care of the kids and housework and things I am just not quite as open as I need to be. For me if I have a transition time to get in the right head space really helps. Does your wife have any time like this to clear her head? What you are requesting of her takes a certain frame of mind that is not always easy to achieve, especially as she is pushing herself for you.

    Also, maybe if you focused some on what her needs are she might be a bit more responsive. Like maybe she needs a massage, or help with dishes in the evening, or some time to herself. Maybe instead of asking for an interaction run her a hot bubble bath and offer to wash her back. Not that I am insinuating that you don't attend to her needs, just that there may be a good reason for her resistance.

    If she is sick all the time maybe there are some things you can insist she do to help strengthen her immune system. Small little Dominant acts like making her take some extra vitamin C, drink plenty of water or insist she use lots of hand sanitizer when she is doing all of her volunteer work around kids. This may make her feel very cared for.

    Going outside the marriage for needs like this is not right, at least in my opinion. You have a son. He "NEEDS" for his parents to be together and have a strong marriage. Caring for him is more important than any need you may have. Sorry to sound all high and mighty about this but I have a friend that really made me mad about this and now her son's life has been all tore apart and he's really struggling.

    Sorry for the long comment!

  2. Serenity,
    She has as much time as she needs to clear her head. Believe me she has more time than I do. As far as taking care of the kids and housework, While he does his homework, she is in our bedroom on her computer where she spends most of her time. Even after I get home from work. She eats dinner in there and watches TV while on facebook. I work 8.5 hours a day, come home and take my son to karate or baseball practice, then come home and make dinner. As far as massages, she gets one to start every time we have sex. I don't want to sound mean, but she doesn't really spend a lot of time with him in the evenings.
    I'm not going to leave my son, and I won't cheat on her. I would only go outside of the marriage if she knew about it. Which won't happen. I don't put all the things I have put up with over the last decade, but it is a lot.
    Thank you for your comments, even long ones are appreciated.


  3. That does sound like a lot to work through. When you talk of her continual volunteer work at school I just sort of had a picture in my head of a very busy, active and tired mother. It most certainly sounds like you are doing a lot to take care of her and your son. And a massage every time, wow, lucky her.

    Is there any way you can get her a bit more focused on you in a platonic way? Just doing more things together and adding more fun to your relationship. Getting her off the computer and watching a movie together or something.

    I wish you luck, I know you are frustrated. I've had frustrating moments with this as well. Just don't give up! Sometimes this is a very slow process.

  4. I would like to say something else, however the way you describe it she is not submitting but disengaging. The thing I would attempt to do is to go all the way back to basics and get a confirmation she has bought in on the concept you are striving at. If such conversation can not take place in an open way this in it self should already be a reason for failure, and needs to be fixed first. In an extreme situation, but mind you I can not judge yours from here, the actual relation is damaged to the point that the right thing to do is to decide if it can be repaired or not before doing anything else.

  5. William- I am sorry for your pain and confusion. I would like to add that from my point of view as a loyal and very happy submissive..... that it all starts with the "mind". Master is careful in all he does to make me know how special I am, how much I am loved and "in love" with me he is and not a day or conversation goes by without it being mentioned. It might sound extreme, but in his and my world of D/s it is the core to allowing me truly submit to him. I am intelligent and very independent and don't need him... but I can't think of a day/moment without him. Not saying you are not fulfilling your wife's mental needs- but if she is shutting down sexually, it normally has nothing to do with sex.

    As Elder says- talk to her. If she wants to make it work with you , she needs to tell you what is truly bothering her.



  6. sighs....I want to apologize in advance for my comment, and state that my intention is not to insult anyone, not the ones who comment, not your wife, and certainly not you.

    this is really hard for me to read about, and even the comments that are left, stating you should give more, do more, be more understanding, are frustrating me. (sorry, i don't mean to judge, just being honest)

    I am a single mom of 7 children ages 4-17 and I teach them at home, so they aren't gone all day at school, they are with me pretty much 24/7.

    It is really hard for me to give too much understanding that she is stressed and tired from caring for her son, especially if William is taking him to his extracurricular activities and making dinner.

    I admit that I have a very different mentality of what a woman should do for the one she loves and cares about, but there is patience and then there is being taken advantage of.

    Granted i don't have her side of the story, but from what has been written, I think William is trying to be as patient and understanding and giving as possible, especially in a situation where HIS needs are not being met, pretty much in any way.

    He is tempering his needs in all regards, accepting only what she is willing to give, and if there is excuse after excuse, then His needs aren't met at all. There is only so much one can take before shutting down himself.

    I definitely agree that a very serious conversation needs to take place. But successful relationships don't happen unless BOTH people are having their needs met. One sided relationships never work long term and the cost is pretty high emotionally.

    I feel that under the current situation, nothing is going to be accomplished. TO me, this goes way beyond her simply not submitting. From what I've read, she really doesn't seem to be regarding ANY of your efforts or needs. Maybe if you can go below the surface of the lifestyle and see if something else is going on, it could help.

    I truly want things to work out for you. It hurts me inside to hear your frustration. I hope there is a chance for you two to talk, not about the lifestyle, but about YOU TWO as man/woman, husband/wife, friends, lovers and dominant/submissive.

    hugs always and I'm sorry if I have offended anyone. it was not my intention.

  7. William, what struck me as very sad was when, in your reply to Serenity, you detailed how little time your wife spends with you of an evening. Whilst each and every one of us needs our own space, it does sound like she is overindulging in that, and failing to meet the needs of her marriage never mind her D/s relationship.

    My advice,fwiw, would be to try and encourage her to engage with you more in a vanilla sense before you even consider working through the D/s stuff. If she is unwilling or unable to give you and your marriage the time and effort they deserves then, sadly, maybe you are fighting a losing battle here.

    With best wishes.

  8. hi William! My two cents (ans actually gonna keep it to cents and not make it into bucks! *LOL*)are that you need to hit the breaks -like completely in an emergency stop- and fix the vanilla before doing anything in regards to D/s at all. To be blunt, I don't think the main problem is her submission, it's your marriage, which needs to be addressed first and is the most important thing here. From there on you can build.


  9. You are correct Sweet girl. That is my next step. I mentioned last night that she is back in her "hibernation" mode, and she didn't really have a comment on it. We'll see what happens.

  10. Sweet girl has some good advice here.

    I'm sorry, William. I agree with Sg, though; fix the vanilla first. I know you both have had your difficulties in the past; I thought you both had started moving past it.