Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Days of confusion Part II...

I really appreciate everyone's comments. I wanted to write more here instead of just having more long comments by me.

Jazmine, thank you very much for your kind words, and I'm sure no one here was offended by you stating your opinion from your unique point of view. I haven't written a lot about how she has been pretty much an absentee wife for many years. Hiding away in the bedroom most nights. Whenever I bring it up she will come out for a couple nights and spend time with me in the evening, but then she will revert back to her old bad habits.

As I've been looking at it objectively the last few days, things really haven't changed other than the fact that when we do have sex, she lets me flog her for awhile, but not too hard. Like I said in my last comment though, she gets a massage every time, and then she gets her vibe how she wants it, and then pretty much every time we have to finish up with just missionary sex.

She allows the cane, but I am not hitting her very hard at all. I have hit my inner forearm much, much harder to show her what it was like. The marks are gone within ten minutes, so you know I'm not  hitting her very hard. When I did it to myself, the marks lasted about three days, and I didn't even leave a welt, just lines.

I'm really trying to give her the benifit of the doubt due to her past, and I have told her on numerous occasions, that if she didn't think she was going to be able to do this, we could stop and I would not bring it up again. It would be very tough for me, which I didn't tell her, but I would.  Every time she got mad at me. and that she was trying her best. The thing is, she isn't trying very much. I know she had an abusive past, and if she can't get past it, I will understand. But she can't keep telling me she wants to do it, and then she refuses practically everything I want to do.

I think I'm just going to tell her I'm not going to initiate anything any more. I can't keep getting disappointed. I've been living with that for over ten years, and I can't take it anymore. I think I would rather not have any of it, than to be constantly let down thinking something was going to happen.

I'm just going to revoke her slut card. She wants me to call her that, but she's not living up to the term. Not even close. Sorry to bring everyone down with my bad situation. I will try to have a more upbeat post next time. Maybe I will have to write you all a nice dirty story...smiles...

Thank you to everyone for lending a sympathetic ear.



  1. I know I am not the only one who wants you to know that they are here for you however we can be.

    I understand abusive pasts. I truly do, but at some point, one either chooses to truly move past the abuse and not let it steal the rest of their lives, or they decide to let it become the crutch in which they hide behind.

    That may seem harsh, but those who know my past know that I speak from experience. Either she wants to move past it or she doesn't. It IS a choice, and it, unfortunately, has to be HER choice.

    Please know that there is no lack in you that causes her to cling to the abuse and not move past it.

    I have been exactly where you are in terms of being in a relationship where I felt invisible, and lonely and empty. (those were my feelings, Im not saying they're your feelings)

    I won't go into my opinions here on living life empty and not being truly happy and living an unhappy life :for the sake of a child"

    But I hope you DO know that your happiness is important as well as the happiness of your family. And children learn things we never intend to teach them about relationships, love and happiness.

    You're not alone William. I know it feels like it right now. But you're not. Hugs...

  2. if you ever need to talk more you can email me. the address is on my blog. :)

  3. I do apologize if my opinions and suggestions were offensive to you or to any one else. It was very likely the wrong thing to say. I do hope you can work things out to a solution that makes you happy.

  4. Your comments were absolutely not offensive to me at all. I made this new post to try to explain more of the back story. I always appreciate your comments no matter what, and I am not easily offended...grins!!!

  5. i so understand your frustration, but i also know that you cannot continue to live without your needs being met. I did it for four years and it just doesnt work. WE are who we are. Has your wife tried counselling? Maybe you go could together? I dont think you should stop initiating - i really dont think that will accomplish anything more than your wife just backing off even more. I do think you need to keep talking, not pushing per se but yes gently persauding and experimenting and gently trying things out. I really thinkg you both need to have a good hard honest conversation with one another.
    I do hope you work it out though, i really do. I think she is a very lucky woman adn i hope she can soon see that...for your sake and for hers
    let us know how you get on
    take care
    remember, you need to have yoru needs met as well as she hers. ITs a two way street, you cant just give up your is too short.
    take care and ill look forward to your next post.

  6. OK, I'm going to be the bitch in the conversation and be blunt: We can't forget that everyone just isn't submissive. It's not something you can become at will. Sure if it'd there to some degree AND you have a will to explore it you may get there. I think this has been forgotten in the conversation.
    But of course your needs need to be met too William, but like I said in the last post; I think you need to work on the actual marriage before anything else.
    Sorry to be the blunt bitch as always, but I just needed to say that.

    PS. and maybe she's not using her abusive past as a 'crutch', but it might be that she can't get past the aversion of being put down/lowered in status? Not the pain, but the submission. Just a thought.

  7. @Sweet girl,
    You're not being a bitch at all. You are absolutely right, not everyone is submissive. That's why I have asked her many times if she still wants to continue with it, and she keeps insisting that she does. If she told me she just couldn't do it, I wouls let it go. It would be extremely hard on me, but I wouldn't tell her that. I know it can't be just forced, even by her.


  8. From what you have shown us in the past few blogs I can see one thing confirmed once again: No marriage or relation is what it seems from the outside to onlookers. People may draw their conclusions and offer their opinion. (Some times very useful because these comments can be applied if applicable). But only if you live the actual relation, you have all the information to understand its dynamics. Things are always more complex and subtile then they appear.

  9. I think she may be insisting on it because she wants to make you happy, even if it doesn't completely make her happy.

    I hope everything works out in the end for everyone.

  10. I have read most of your posts - the difficulty you have had in getting head has blown my mind for a while now.

    I have no advice that hasn't been offered here by others re: submission. However, for fixing the vanilla, I can recommend to get that TV out of your bedroom. Years and years ago I read an article about how sex fades from marriages because the associations people form with their bedrooms are for things other than sleeping and sex. My husband and I don't have any electronics in the bedroom, ever (okay, emergency tech support phone calls that need privacy notwithstanding). We even had a debate about whether or not an e-reader was electronic or not - we figured as long as it's just used as a book that it's fine.

    Now if only you can get the wife out of the bedroom...

    I wish you much luck.