Thank you to all my new anonymous commenters. I'm so glad I fixed my blog. I didn't even know I was blocking anyone.
Anyway, I have decided to go a different direction with our relationship. Taking things slower and trying to drag her feelings out of her. I have offered to stop several times and she always told me she doesn't want to. I'm just going to do it and sit down and try to really find out what she wants. I have asked her many times what she wants, and gotten no answer.
She read my story today, and told me she needs to process it before she tells me what she thinks. This has in the past lead to her never mentioning it again...We'll see.
We are going to have a sit down tonight hopefully and clear the air a bit. Like a lot of you have said, we are not in the same book, much less the same page.
My stories are written to her on her request. She said she thought they might help her learn more about what I want and need in a non-threatening way. Where I'm not asking her to actively do it. Some she has loved, and some she has not liked. She knows about my dark side and understands the difference between abuse and what I want to do, at least that is what she has told me.
Hpefully things don't shut down completely, but changes do need to be made and now. I hope to have more positive news in my next post.
I have gotten a lot of good advice in the last couple days, and as someone still learning, it is very much appreciated. While I've been reading and thinking about this for over a decade, we have only been working on it for a year.
William
I wish you the best in your new direction.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds very very difficult for you at the moment.. good luck!
William,
ReplyDeleteYou write "Taking things slower and trying to drag her feelings out of her" ~ that is the problem. The trying to "drag things out" of her. Trying to drag something out of someone just doesn't work. Especially if she is struggling with being able to find those words, to voice them.
I don't know if you have ever done it, or considered it, but maybe give thought to a BDSM checklist. Both of you fill one out. It gives you a chance to look at all of the things that can be found within a BDSM lifestyle, be it kink, fetish etc. But it will enable her, to state the things that she is happy with. I have used them in the past, to try to gauge where someone is at with their exploration, or more so, what they are wanting to explore and their feelings about it. Maybe it seems a little odd within a marriage, but, if you're trying to take it down this path, then it maybe a thought.
But seriously, dragging something out of someone will never work. She will bottle it up and dig her heels in even more. Take away the pressure, and seriously consider giving her an outlet for her thoughts and feelings where she isn't placed on the post. A blog, is most excellent for this!
Also, while she may understand the difference between abuse and what you want to do to her, sometimes the body doesn't make that same reconciliation. You can think it, but believing it can be another matter.
You do however truly need to find out what page she wants to be on, does she feel able to submit sexually? in a more service orientated way? Or is she really just doing it as and when cos she wants a quiet life but thinks its enough to just keep you both together. . . .
Consider counselling if not, something that you can go through together, to explore the relationship and the marriage and the way forward.
Best wishes
K
Hi William,
ReplyDeleteI just want to add, perhaps as a counterpoint to others' opinions, that I do think it is possible for a vanilla person to become submissive or dominant, it just takes an extraordinary amount of patience. And even though it is possible, I readily admit that it may not happen.
I think the checklist is a good idea. We have tried it several times, read it together, talked about it, and then it fizzled into nothing. But I still try. I think I'm going to try it again in the next week or so, the masochist I am. :)
Finally, in the risk of sounding really unpopular, if it gets so bad, is it horrible to go outside your marriage for that one need? I'm not advocating for that. I don't know the answer, I just understand the strong need for TTWD.
Fair play to you William, your previous response to my post and this new one shows that you are willing and that I was thankfully wrong in my second impression.
ReplyDeleteAll of your posts so far have been expressing your needs, your demands and generally a serious "one sided" view, your response to my previous post has given more information into the actual "relationship" than nearly a years worth of material prior to it.
@Maui girl, thats a dangerous recommendation, I am sure that I am not the only one to interpret his relationship is in a delicate position and to recommend that he go elsewhere... how would you broach to his wife that she is not enough? and should he act on it without her knowledge and consent wouldn't this add to her first partners betrayal and render a straight forward and brutal divorce with solid grounds?
@My fellow Anon, Dominance involves some force and I myself have had to force my submissive into admitting what is bothering her or whats on her mind, by manipulation, force or simply refusing to let her do anything else until she tells me. Hopefully william will listen and act upon the information and apply his own judgment as to WHERE to apply force and where to apply patience; in either case william the critical thing is to hear what is said.
There is no correct way to get information out of your sub, if I applied the methods I used to every sub then some would lock down others might snap and others would probably flee.
This will be the hardest part for you william, putting aside your needs again, mustering the patience to break down her defenses and reshape it into a relationship you can both enjoy but be aware that you will not manage this without her consent and help...
The problem you will face is the mental scar tissue left over from her first relationship and that will never leave; the only advice I can offer is a steady hand, an observant eye and learn when to back off and give sanctuary.
@Maui girl
ReplyDeleteMy apologies, I read your question as a recommendation for some reason, I stand by my statement against doing so but I will formally correct my misinterpretation of what you said.
William--for my two cents worth, you have a goal. Sometimes when we have a goal, we lost focus of the forest. Make sure you are doing everything you can (and I'm not saying you have failed in this regard, it's just a friendly reminder) to make her feel that this is all about love. When I am out of town, for example, I but my lizard little gifts. I e-mail her love songs. I text her dirty messages that always have something about her being a princess in them.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it is by doing the things that aren't as important to our own needs that we get what we need.
Ok, I'll follow up and say one more thing about my comment and that is that this is real life. Many bloggers in blogger-land and non-bloggers in non-blogger land find fulfillment for their D/s needs outside their marriage. But I am NOT advocating for the breakup of any marriage. On the contrary, I think the primary, most important goal is to protect the sanctity of the relationship.
ReplyDeleteSome people have very strong needs. If for some reason, those needs can be met, the core marriage can survive and may become even stronger. There is a possibility without this that it might crumble due to the frustration of the partner whose needs are not being met.
I will also say (from experience) that giving until you have nothing left to give and trying until you have nothing left to try is the best course of action for a marriage. I'm sure you have much left to give and try, William. But I still stand by my original comment.
Now, I promise to say no more on this issue (at least on William's blog)! :)
@Maui girl: All valid points, well presented and as commented after my original post I misinterpreted what you said.
ReplyDeleteThe reason I stood by my opposing opinion was because I get the distinct feeling that that solution simply would not work for this relationship, however, I like anyone else can only present views based on my own bias and yours may well be the best solution.
The only person with the authority to suppress your opinion here is william, I am never averse to a counter argument providing it makes sense and is not written in drivel.
I look forward to further comments from yourself on any subject or path until william says otherwise :D