We have been pretty far apart the last week or so, but this morning we spoke about it. She asked if I have been avoiding her, and I told her no more than she has been avoiding me. I told her I was tired of her ignoring me and she apologized and promised to make it better.
She still hasn't read my last story and said she doesn't know when she will. That annoyed me all over again. It's not a novel. It won't take that long to read.
I asked her if she needed her ass flogged and her cunt fucked, and she said she did. These mixed signals are driving me nuts. I guess I am just destined to keep struggling along trying to make things work and get what I need. Wish me luck.
William
From the outside it seems that you guys might well have a communication issue.
ReplyDeleteTalking to each other openly and honestly about what you desire and want and need might help. Rather than continually giving her written material to read relaying your fantasies, which doesn't appear to be working, why not discuss. Find out what she wants, and expects, from your union.
The problem with talking is that both parties have to be attentive listeners also. It could be that things might get worse before they get better - it can be hard for both sides to hear things they don't wish to hear from the other!
Talking openly has resolved many issues in my house even though it has been difficult at times. It might be worth a try though.
The lack of communication thing is not a criticism, simply an observation based on your writings.
As always William, good luck. Compromising doesn't always mean you won't get what you want and it might be a way to further your journey into BDSM and the power exchange you desire.
DY x
I don't think there are mixed signals. I think from her reactions, her lack of interest in the stories (and in making them happen) that her signals are rather clear.
ReplyDeleteShe wants what she likes and doesn't want to or isn't interested in the same type of dynamic that you are looking for or hoping for.
And in all honesty, if you keep plying her with stories which includes things that she really doesn't want to do, it will just drive an even bigger wedge between you. This isn't a "story" and I think that real communication is needed here.
"She asked if I have been avoiding her, and I told her no more than she has been avoiding me" ~ this makes you both sound about 10 years old!
Goodness, you're adults. Communicate, talk and find a way forward, not via fantasy stories or any other means.
From all that you write, I think its pretty clear she doesn't ultimately want to go into the position of submitting, her reaction to the "Sir" in the story and so many other things point to it. To be honest, I'd be fed up of having to read the stories . . .this isn't something that can be resolved by your writing and her reading. It will just move you further and further apart . . .
She may have an interest of some level of "kink" but even then to only the things that she may want or desire. But, she gets what she wants through her manipulation, and perhaps she is only saying the things that she thinks you want to hear because she fears that if she doesn't, that you may leave.
Communicate. But she ignores you. You ignore her. Not the most mature way of communicating about something that is so important to you, to your relationship and your future.
Leave the stories in your mind for now, and focus on the reality, as the mature adults that you both supposedly are!
Good luck
J
Some good advice here.
ReplyDeletemaymay also has some excellent advice here: How not to fuck up a D/s relationship
I have to agree with the "stop plying her with stories" comments as well. You gave her a "mostly vanilla" type story and she responded well to that, and then your inner brat came out and you felt you needed to show her how sadistic you could be. I'm not sure what your logic was there. If you keep writing to her and asking her for responses, you're not going to get anything but what you've gotten. You need to communicate and have her immediate responses, and take her desires into account as well - not just what you want her to want.
The best way to introduce anything you're looking for is to slowly, slowly add it in to your play a bit at a time - if she doesn't respond to it, or even says "I don't like that," STOP. But the key is do it slowly. Tossing hundreds of new concepts at her all at once is never going to work, no matter what she says. Even your definition of slow is too fast, and constantly pressuring her to take a caning is certainly not slow. She is afraid you will leave if she does not comply, so she says she will. Simple as that. If you want to fix this, remove the D/s as a condition of your relationship - as maymay said in the article, that's not going to work.
You guys do need to talk.
L
I have told her on a couple occasions that I was going to stop writing her the stories because she wasn't responding well to them, but every time she asked me not to stop, that they were helping her learn more about what I want and enjoy. Anyone who has read more than a couple posts knows that. I appreciate your anonymous comments, and some of them are helpful. I just hate answering the same questions over and over when the info is here in my writings.
ReplyDeleteThere does need to be better communication for sure, and I am working on that. I have already told her I'm not going to leave her and our child even if I don't get what I want. I wouldn't do that to him.
I appreciate your comments, but please read back through a little more of my blog if you have a question about things that are going on.
Thank you,
William
William--you and I do have the same problem. Your need to be Dominant seems so strong I believe you should ultimately look elsewhere to fulfill it, whether that's through a secretive online relationship or whether you simply move on from what may be an ultimately unfulfilling relationship. Which path you choose probably depends on how much you share with your wife outside of the dynamic, and how uncomfortable you'd feel about going around behind her back.
ReplyDeleteYou do come across sounding irritable in many of your posts, and I believe that is a reflection of a deep seated unhappiness with your situation.
You have a lot of supporters out here cheering for you and wishing you the best.
Is it a deal breaker? You've said are not willing to leave if you don't get what you want.
ReplyDeleteOk, so now figure out what the next step is. I tend to agree with the story issue. You enjoy writing them. She doesn't always read them. Not only that, but at this point, she is not willing to engage in living out some of the stories and she knows what your interests are, so you are giving them to her to what end? What is the payoff. For her, she gets satisfaction from reading them if and when she chooses. You get, what exactly and consistently? Often not even acknowledgment.
I think continuing to give them to her will lead to frustration and resentment on your part. At least posting them her you get release, praise - even critique -- but most important - you get acknowledgement of your talent and efforts.
My only suggestion would be for you to completely embrace her viewpoint for awhile. Be totally D/s free. See how long you can function that way - without resentment, secret longing, trying to subtly suggestion submission etc. If you find it easy -- then you are home free. If you find you simply cannot manage it at all - then the two of you need to have a put on a pot of coffee, lock the door and throw caution to the wind and hash it out once and for all. And please don't accept "you never said you wanted that." While true people change. For better or for worse. We either decide to accept the changes and adapt or make different choices.
Either way, I honestly wish you the best!
"Anyone who has read more than a couple posts knows that. I appreciate your anonymous comments, and some of them are helpful. I just hate answering the same questions over and over when the info is here in my writings"
ReplyDeleteActually, I have followed your blog from the start and both myself and L, although we've posted "anonymously" haven't even asked you questions!
And yes, maybe you do go over the same things in your answers, that is because you are going over the same things in your blog, over and over again. Because nothing is changing, not your situation, not your frustrations or the ability to initially put your own needs as a dominant or sadist to one side to see that it isn't what she wants. You cannot make someone submit, just as you cannot make someone dominate.
But she will go along and say whatever she can if she has a fear of your leaving.
Baby girls advice above in terms of embracing her viewpoint for a while is potentially a good one, certainly better than initially your "seeking elsewhere" as someone else has suggested.
Just because we may post anonymously, it doesn't mean that we do not wish you well. As a sadistic Dominant, I understand the needs that exist which can be overwhelming at times, but I also understand that if someone doesn't want to be on the receiving end of that, the reality is, you're unlikely to ever get them to a point of wanting to do so, no matter how hard you try!
J