Well I told her today while I was home for lunch that BDSM will no longer be a component of our relationship. I told her that she tried for over a year to be what I wanted, but it just isn't who she is. I told her About some of you submissive ladies who have tried unsuccesfully to make their husbands into dominants, usually with little success. She was upset and said she feels like a failure and that she hates herself for not being able to give me what I want. I assured her I don't hate her and that I'm not going to leave her. She asked me if I was going to get it elsewhere. I asked her if she was going to give me permission to. She said no, and I told her that was her answer.
I said that she just isn't able to submit for whatever reasons she has. Her past, her upbringing, whatever the reason or reasons. I told her that if she has such an aversion to using the word "Sir", there is no way she will ever be able to submit to me in other ways. She said she feels bad that I won't be getting what I need, and that she wants so badly to give it to me.
I was feeling a bit down as you can imagine, and she noticed it. When she commented on it, I told her that I will have days where I will be down. I won't lie to her and hide it. She has her down days for various reasons and lets me know about it, so I see no reason to hide anything from her.
We will have some rough times I'm sure, but hopefully we can get through them.
She asked me if I was still going to call her My slut, and I told her I didn't know. She said she likes when I do. I don't know if I will. I don't know if I will be able to have it part way. The nerves are still too raw right now to be able to decide what I will be able to do.
She claims to like the flogger, but I don't know if I will continue with it. I won't initiate it, but if she asks I don't know if I will. Time will tell how this all develops. I will certainly keep everyone up to date on what we settle on.
I hope I won't lose any of me wonderful followers, but I will understand if some of you go elsewhere for real life adventures instead of just fantasies.
I hope everyone has a fun and kinky weekend.
William
P.S.
I also want to thank any veterans out there who may read my little blog. Thank you for your service.
I hear your loneliness. I see your dilemma. That's all. There is nothing to offer you, practically, or in words, to make this decision and course of action easier. I understand fighting the resignation. Raw is an apt description for how shredded you are inside. Be kind to your self today. Find joy somehow, even if it is just for a nanosecond.
ReplyDeleteHang in there William.
ReplyDeletek.
William, Sir..my thoughts awith you and your wonderful wife. To me it always seems like you are going well, progressing. I envy your wife for having a man at her fingertips ready to Dominate. she likes to be called yolur slut, she likes the flogger..Are you sure this isn't just a little bump in your road.
ReplyDeleteL x
William, it sounds like she's been more honest with you. She is unable to submit to the degree you wish but she still wants to participate in some kind of impact play although not necessarily in the power exchange you desire. At least you know this now.
ReplyDeleteBut to tell her you're going to cease impact play equates to a toddler having a tantrum and spitting his dummy out! Heard the phrase cutting off your nose to spite your face? It appears just a little short sighted of you.
If it is love, rather than compatibility, that keeps you together you are a wonderful, loyal, stoic man and a far better person than I could ever be.
I understand the hopelessness and desperate nature of the situation (I see it in a friend of mine whose situation bears many resemblances to yours) and I truly hope you can reconcile that she's just not into the lifestyle you wish to create and are able to find some degree of happiness and contentment in your union.
Whatever happens in the future, at least you have tried to the very best of your ability and for that you should be extremely proud. Lesser men would have walked away long before now.
I wish you all the very best for the future.
Regards,
DYx
dy,
ReplyDeleteSo first you insult me, and then wish me luck. Now that is funny.
It's not an insult, purely observations from YOUR writings. If you wnat people to interpret what you say in a different manner then you should be clearer in how you write. I apologise profusely if I have misinterpreted what you have said.
ReplyDeleteIt's painful to see anyone in a relationship that is not working out - been there and done that and I felt as you feel now.
It does get better hence why I wish you well. Everyone, including you and your spouse, is entitled to a fulfilling union and that can be achieved.
DYx
It is love and the desire to keep the family together. We have a young son who deserves to have both parents loving him in a stable household. I'm not willing to be selfish and destroy his life for my pleasure.
ReplyDeleteYou also wrote in earlier posts that I had to quit trying to force her to do things she didn't want, and when I did just that, you say I'm throwing a tantrum. Now who isn't being clear in their writing. I'm not looking to argue, I am just confused by your contradictory statements. I have always enjoyed reading your blog, and you have difficulties like we all do. I've never thought a BDSM relationship would fix everything. That is just the aspect of my life I wrote about here. I really don't know where you got the idea I ever thought or claimed that. You should be glad I have cleared the train wreck.
William
Dear William. I thought I had posted last night but for some reason my post isn't here :(.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are hurting. Please don't beat yourself up.
I enjoy your blog. You wondered if your readers would still read your blog etc. I had replied I would. I enjoy real life blogs. Some fantasy, kink etc but D's is real and allowing a glimpse into the ups and downs and showing us the good and thenot so good - those are the blogs I keep coming back to.
Hang in there, William :)
Take good care. Sky
And I very much admire that you wish to keep your family together and allow you to honour your son's right to be brought up by both parents.
ReplyDeleteHowever, in my professional capacity I see many youngsters being brought up by couples who have stayed together 'because of the children' and that can be gravely detrimental also. Youngsters have resilience, unlike many adults, and cope well with 2 loving parents that live amicably apart.
Yes I agree, you're current tactics were not proving fruitful but to then deny you and your wife the pleasure of impact play when she clearly still wants to engage in it is infantile and regression of the union.
Yes Piggly and I have our issues I have never professed to anything other and the blog clearly shows those issues and bumps in the road. But we communicate well, compromise on occasion and rssolve those issues...until the next one materialises of course, which they always do!
We clearly do not see eye to eye on this front and that is fine; the world would be an incredibly dull and tedious place if we all agreed.
You now have to do what is right and for you and yours regardless. You can't have compatability and so you have chosen love. An extremely difficult choice I imagine, but please do remember it is YOUR choice and if for whatever reason it doesn't prove fruitful then it is your doing.
As always, best of luck in all future endeavours.
DYx
William,
ReplyDeleteIt's obvious you are hurting. And it's understandable.
I'm just wondering, has your wife ever talked with a submissive woman before? It might help her to get some perspective.
Also, what makes bdsm so great is that there is no set of rules on how to make it work. You may want A-Z, but she may only be okay with D, M, and Y. That doesn't make your relationship any less than anyone else's. Bdsm always goes off the submissive's limits, not the Dom's.
She wants the flogger. She tolerates the cane. She wants to be YOUR SLUT! Wake up man! If that's not submission showing through, I don't know what is!
Have you ever tried sensual domination? As a masochist, I'm only familiar with the idea of it but it might be a good regrouping point for you.
You say you struggle to get her to obey you outside of the bedroom. Why not start off small? In the morning, leave a little note for her. Somewhere she can't miss it. I don't know how your house works, give her something small to do. Something she would do anyway, but maybe not on that specific day.
Or if you want her to make coffee for you in the morning, tell her the night before so she can get it out and prepped. Tell her it would be really helpful to your schedule in the morning if she would coffee. Do this once or twice a week. Let her see the affects. THANK HER! Subs thrive on positive reinforcement. Slowly add control with lots of that, and I think you'll see some differences.
Be kind, be subtle. Make her want to do it because it'll make you happy. That's all submission is.
What I'm saying is, don't give up when she's still willing.
~kitten
Also, from your past writings when your wife doesn't do something you've asked her to, you let go. You begin to build resentment in your heart.
ReplyDeleteInstead, ask (don't confront) her: Hey. I remember asking you to do "x". What happened?
Make her accountable without making her feel bad. Yes she is willing, but you have to work on your part to make it feel like loving control, not abuse.
I am a sub to my core. Yet if I'm asked to do something, and there's not repercussions if I don't, I find I'm much less motivated. Also the most effective punishment I've ever had is being told I disappoint him.
Now, you don't need to say that you're disappointed. That will only push her away. Let's say she doesn't do something and she doesn't have a reasonable excuse for why she didn't. Tell her the next time you have sex, she doesn't get the vibe.
She's going to complain and likely bitch. But remain calm. Ask her why she should get the vibe when she couldn't do a small task for you. Don't make her feel bad. Just let her know there will be consequences.
That's something you really should talk to her about. Tell her you rethought things and you want to start off small. One task a day. If she does well, she gets the vibe and flogger when you have sex. If she doesn't do well, she'll get the cane and just regular sex.
There are so many options available to you if you look outside of the box. It seems you are so busy trying to get your wife to be like other subs that you're not molding her to who she can be.
I've seen you write about a lot about her submission. Whether you see it or not is a different matter. She has submissive traits, but you have to shape her to who she is. Not some ideal.
Now I'm done! I really do wish you both all the best and lots of happiness. I know you can find a way to make it work. Just keep trying.
~kitten
William,
ReplyDeleteMine may be the opinion of dissension, but I agree with you. It's not as if you both haven't tried. At this time, it isn't working. I think it is smart to take a break. It is also honest to recognize that if you start calling her slut and flogging her etc, that the core of you may want more and you may find yourself riding this same roller coaster again.
Stepping away from it for a while is not a bad thing, and I don't equate it to a tantrum since you both have talked and tried without resolution. She has her reasons for resisting and being down at times. I think your reasons are just as valid and should be acknowledged as well.
Who knows? After sometime, you may move closer to her side of things and vice versa - or you both may come up with some variation that satisfies you both. You both need to feel comfortable and satisfied with what you are getting from the other, or resentment will build. Revisit the topic again after some time.
I wish you all the best, and if you continue to write, I will continue to read!
I'm so sorry, William...At the same time, it's probably best to take a break for a while. It'll give the two of you time to think and work through things...maybe it'll do you both some good, in the long run. Maybe you'll be able to work out something, during the break, that works for everyone?
ReplyDeleteI hope you'll keep us updated, and I wish you all the luck in the world.
~Bre
Not sure if you'll get to this response, but here goes.
ReplyDeleteShe asks to still be called Your slut. Personally, she hasn't earned it. Yes, she may like it, but it still comes down to the fact that she hasn't earned that title.
I'm sorry about the mixed signals she's been giving. When she's able to leave her comfort zone to become the slut she wants to be called, then, and only then, should she be called slut.
Thank you Tam, that is one of the things I have been thinking about. Yesterday was a good step towards that, but she will have to keep earning it.
ReplyDeleteWilliam